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Im Ehjay, a 16 yrs old pinoy boy from Australia. Im a capricorn and I was born on the 25th of December in the year 1987. I enjoy being with my friends, I love shopping, singing, dancing, clubbing and playing Counter Strike. I hate being stereotyped as a typical asian, but im proud to be a true filipino.

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Saturday, December 31, 2005

Chronicles of Edge

2005 is probably the most twisted year I've ever had. Grabeh. I thought I wasn't gona make it.

This year has been full of dramas ... Problem after problem ... I was on the verge or breaking down ... I was so upset, so angry at the world ... and I felt so helpless. I didn't know how I'm gona deal with my shits in life. I got depressed and things just started getting worse.

This entry I'm writing is a letting go entry. A Goodbye to the bittersweet twisted life. Goodbye to the struggles. Goodbye to the people I once loved. Goodbye to 2005.

My problems started occuring when my bestfriend back in the Phils died. When I left my beloved country for good, he got upset with me and didn't talk to me ever since. But I know for a fact that we're still best of mates ... but he just needed some space and time to learn and accept the sad parting. But June this year I found out that he died over a vehicle accident. Thats when my world started crashing. I got upset with the loss of a bestfriend ... and I couldn't stop worrying and thinking that I might lose another bestfriend. My bestfriend here in Australia is Lester ... and he's more than a bestfriend ... he's like my older brother. We were so close we basicly do things together ... but since the day I found out about my bestfriends death ... thats when all my shits started occuring ... I tried living life the normal way ... I didn't tell a soul about my problem ... but little did i know ... is that I'm starting to get obssesed with my bestfriend Lester ... thats how I delt with my problem ... I was so scared of losing another important person in my life ... I've become very clingy and possesive.

I started getting jealous with other friends ... I always have mood swings ... and started losing interest with my studies ... In my mind all I wanted to do was to protect my bestfriend and just have fun ... The next thing I know ... was that we're drifting apart ... and it tears me apart ... seeing and knowing that ... I'm gona lose a bestfriend again ... I tried talking to him bout it .... but he kept saying nothing change ... blah blah blah ... The fighting, the argurment, the compramising went on til this December ... then I realized that ... there's no point of all the arguing and shits ... coz in the end its not up to me ... and I just got tired of it ... and I realized that ... if he really is my bestfriend then he'll come back.

I still consider him my bestfriend ... and I will always be there for him no matter what.

While having that problem with my friend ... I was also having a big problem with my family ... My family felt that I'm drifting away from them ... and that I don't respect them .... You know the normal issue ... but this is something I do not wish to elaborate. I also had problems with my studies ... I was a high achiever a normal high achiever ... but when I got bombarded by probelms ... that when lose the grip and the touch ... I couldn't concentrate at all ... even when I thought I was doing ok ... I still get the shitest grades.

I also had diet problems ... man ... I thought only girl goes through this kind of shiat ... but yeah! ... I started gaining weight ... and lost my athletic figure ... I didn't realize that all I did when I was sad was eat eat and eat ... and that got me more depressed.

There was also this big revelation that affected me really bad ... but I can't elaborate coz I don't wana go behind my bestfriend's back.

I also had this secret relationship with a girl ... but didn't end up well ... coz she's got a boyfriend. And after school ... at Schoolies ... I had a fling with two other girls ... who are also taken. Both got me depressed really bad ... coz I started fallin for them ... and to make matters worst ... I found out that one of the girls is actually my friends girlfriend ... Got me more even depressed.

It got me thinkin that maybe ... I'm not supposed to be happy ... Coz everytime I thought I found happiness ... someone will take it away from me ... I felt so alone ... no one could ever understand me ... my close friends couldn't help me at all ... no can relate to me.

But i tried to be strong ... and take each day as it comes ... theres more I'd like to share ... but nigguhz gota bounce ... I have to prepare for New Years celebration!

By the way I just turned 18 last Sunday ... and my bestfriend dogged me that day ... I'm upset with him bout it ... and he ain't talkin to me for some reason ... but I hope to fix our problems before the fireworks tonite!

Lataz ya'll!

12:12 pm ~*~

~*~ ehjay25

~ (1) Comments ~

Sunday, August 07, 2005

MIZUNDA-STUD

* MIZUNDA-STUD *

No one understands why i cry at night.
they don't understand why its so hard to fight.
they don't see that I'm lost in side my self.
no one sees my fear.
they don't see the misunderstood tear.
no one knows why i hide my pain so deep.
no one knows the nightmares that i face in my sleep.
they don't see that my weakness is that i care too much.
they don't believe in such.
they don't believe that someone can really care
more than they hate.
they don't see why i always try when its too late.
no one knows my wishes and dreams.
no one knows the real me.
because I'm so mizunda-stud deep down side.
they don't see all the things i hide.

11:18 am ~*~

~*~ ehjay25

~ (4) Comments ~

Confession and a Prayer

I don't know why I care so much for people. And I don't know why I can't let go of the friendship, friendship that I didn't really have. Why can't I let go of the things that I'm feeling, people say that I'm just paranoid. But I know I'm not.

I guess it's true that people come and go, and people change with the seasons. But why can't I move on and why can't I let go? Why do I always get left behind? Friends means the world to me, but I guess it's not for me. I'm just not really good enough to be one.

Never shall I cry over some friends, never shall I offer a shoulder to cry on. Why am'i always the one who feels that I didn't do enough to save a relationship. Why do I always feel like a loser when one ends.

This are just some issues I have with my friends, imagine how bad it will be if I broke up with a girlfriend. Life is so cruel. I want to move on and I want to let go. All I wanted to be is a friend a good friend, but they took it the wrong way.

Is it bad to care so much, is it wrong to be nice. How could this happen to me? Why me?

I guess I'll never know what a true friendship really is, cuz I'm not good enough to be one!

God I don't know why you let these things happen to me. But I'm begging you, please help me let go, help me to move on. Help me become a strong person that I once was.

God please take this pain away, help me breath again.

Is this one of your challenges that I have to face? Will it make me a better person in the end? Is this friendship really for me? Please give me a sign! Is this friendship worth fighting for? Please help me be strong!

I feel so alone now, you're the last one I have. So I trust you and begging you please don't me down anymore!

11:11 am ~*~

~*~ ehjay25

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Thursday, March 31, 2005

ANOTHER UPDATE!

Hmmm ... okey guys ... I know my journal's nearly rotten ... hehe ang baho na nga ehh!

Well anyways it's our Easter Holidays at the moment and I've been so really occupied for the last 5 days. I had so many late nights withe my berks ... which was soo fun. Well last friday Noel, Lester, and Sherrie came over to our place, had some chibog and just catchin up ... then we got bored so we went to Roma Park ... bought 5 servings of Fish and Chips and then sat beside the waterfall ... the drop of water and the moist that touches your skin was so relaxing ... We got bored again .. so we went to Kangaroo Point and watched people go rock climbing ... and when we're about to go home ... we suddenly started talking about ghots stories ... we don't wanna go home yet ... so all of us drove to Toowong Cemetary ... it was so creepy and you can feel the cold breeze even inside the car ... and I was looking outside and it felt like someone was starin back at me ... we're also gonna go to the abandoned Mental Hospital ... but we're so tired that we just went home and chatted and kareoke til 2:00 in the morning .... thats just the 1st nite!

The next day ... Saturday ... Noel and Lester came over again coz they're bored and they wanna play basketball and go to the shops ... soo me and my sister went with them and we drove to Sherries place to pick her up ... then we drove to the basketball court and just chilled and muck around for a while ... but the rain started dropin and we've got no choice but to go to the mall ... We all went to Replay and Lester started playing that Dance Mix game ... I tried to play and battle him ... but I think my dancing skills are totaly limited ... that simulated game doesn't work for me ... I suck at that ... but I can definitely move and groove naturaly .. aint no need for them technology! ... lol ... After the game Noel went to MYER so we followed him ... Lester and him bought a POLO shirt ... after the shopping ... we wen't home coz we're so hungry and we don't have enough monet to buy food for all of us ... so we rush home ... and had a chibo ... a mild spicy lamb and pork caldereta ... yummy! ... But our day still felt incomplete ... so we again ... we rush to Video shop and rented TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE ... it's the one with Renee Zelswegger ... it's a really crap movie ... we all thought that it was the sequel for the recent film ... but its not! ... It was scary at first ... but the mid and the rest of the film was just hilarious ... what a waist of $3.00!

Then Sunday ... No one came over ... coz apparently they were all tired ... but me ... hehe ... I don't get tired .. so again I stayed up till late just oing some stupid stuffs ... hehe!

Then the next day ... Me, Joanne, Lester, Noel, Michelle, my cuzin Jackie and our parents went to Movie World at Gold Coast ... the day was so full of fun ... it was soo great! The Lethal Weapon ride is freakin mad ass ... we went on it for about 4 times ... it was soo sun ... The Scooby Doo Spooky Coaster is also one of the faves .. coz you cant see anything coz it's really dark ... you'll just feel sudden moves ... it's freaky coz you're not aware of whats gonna happen! ... The Wild West Adventure River Ride is also one of the bomb ... and we have photos of it! .... yeyyy!

After Movie World we went straight to Surfers Paradis ... we had our dinner there ... we went shoppin ... and chilled around at Timezone. We were gonna go swimming but apparently the Coast Patrol spotted 6 Great White Sharks around the coast ... so everyone has to go out of the water ... tsk tsk ... Since December last year til present there were about 9 fatal Shark Attack around Australia ... and 5 of those attack happend near and at our exact chillin spot ... creepy huh ... We went home at about 10:00 .. then we got home at about 11:00 ... then they rested at our place til 1:30 ... it was a long drive!

I'll post the photos on my next update ... Im just really tired tonite!

10:59 pm ~*~

~*~ ehjay25

~ (5) Comments ~

Sunday, March 06, 2005

DANCING QUEEN CONCERT 2 ... THE BOMB!

The Dancing Queen Concert 2 ... last night was the bomb! ... It was so damn fine! ... I love it... though ... I didn't end up dancing my new favourite dance HOOK UP. Most people said that last years conecrt is way better ... but for me ... I reckon that last nite's better! ... I enjoyed it even if I'm sick ... I'm still sick ... tsk tsk ... The reason why I love this concert soo much is because ... every dancers were getting along ... everyone's having fun ... unlike last year, the "grouping" thing kinda made a boundary which prevents us from interacting ... like socially, less stress, new dances ... I love LOSE MY BREATH ... it's my second favourite! ... and the Doojsh crew ... wow they're the bomb ... Lyrad choreographed it ... but Mark and Tesa did it really well! ... I did a duet with Melissa ... I think i kinda dissaponted her ... coz I didn't act like the way I'm supposed to act on stage ... though I did try to do it ... it's just that I'm kinda shy ... coz what they're making me do is so so so far away from the real me ... like it's not me at all ... I wanted to do it ... but I don't know how to ... so sorry Mel .. if did dissapoint you!

I did stuffed up in most of the dance but they are just minor ones ... you cant notice it at all ... unless, you follow my every steps with your eyes. I met 3 new great friends/co-dancers ... they are awesome ... Fay, Jera and John ... I'll miss them moments ... but we promise to keep in touch so I hope that they will ... coz they are so fun to be with!

The lessons I've learned in our dance rehearsals this year and in the concert are:

Never Judge People You Don't Really Know ... I takes a while to see who they really are

>> I judge people so much ... but last night before the concert while rehearsing ... I don't know what happened ... but we started talking to each other ... I guess its kinda stupid not to talk with poeple that you see 3-4 times a week right?

Never exagerate stuffs anymore ... thats like one of my habbits ... I sometimes exaggerates stuffs without knowing it ... and I'll only find out once I hurt someones feelings ... I also tend to exagerate stuffs just for the hell of it ... just for fun without thinking that it might offend someone. I also exagerate things when it concerns me ... I don't know why ... it's probably me ego ... and sometimes exagerating things may lead to a lie ... and most of the time I'm not aware off it ... I'll only find out when someone got hurt or got offended!

Never make false accusation ... False Judgement ... well it's kinda the same as the first one right?

and

Be yourself and Be positive ... I'll open up more, I'll be more friendly and more approachable and I'll be more straight forward ... coz sometimes when I feel bad or mad or just upset to other people because of what they did ... I tend to keep it to myself ... and then it'll just make a wall that will seperate me from that person ... It happened to me so many times and it doesn't feel good at all ... coz you'll miss some good memories and it'll make you feel really bad

I'm saying this coz I hurt a couple of people this year ... including Melissa Henderson. I'm really sorry Mel!

and Apologies to all the poeple that ot mad at me or got upset at me because of my bad attitudes ... I'm really sorry!

02:38 pm ~*~

~*~ ehjay25

~ (7) Comments ~

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